Cold, hard lessons

Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to be swept up in a moment that we think is going to be to our benefit, therefore will last forever, or at least for some time? How do we learn to stay away from volatile situations that can only bring anguish, pain and huge amounts of regret?

Whilst I have learnt to not be responsible for other's actions - or, more appropriately RE-actions - it still weighs heavy, this feeling of once belonging, once adored even, and suddenly cut off and shoved aside like an encumbering shroud finally escaped from. Still, if nothing else I have my creative expression, results of which will be eventually recognised, taken up and bandied about like an almost vengeful quest.

I have to keep telling myself that my own battle with cancer is quite enough to keep me busy for a long while yet, and to let go of this once blissful millstone - perhaps things will change; even so, I know I have, and do not wish to be involved in anything that might detract from my own healing.

As to yesterday - my own family - I can't believe siblings can be so different from one another with values and priorities. Inappropriate conversation in front of our mother in an elderly citizens' facility - can't believe my sister sometimes. Nothing, but nothing is likely to serve as assistance for her to come to a realisation that her behaviour causes real damage - to all.

I have my beautiful son, who is very happy with a new and hopefully lasting relationship - may that be my piece of sunshine for today and as long as it might last.......

Synchronicity is alive & well in my world..

Today as I underwent more tests pre-operative at the hospital, I felt I was doing better emotionally. Got a few meanial things done as well, came home & had a nanna nap, then suddenly, I received a text message on my phone from a friend and former work colleague, from whom I hadn't heard from for some time.

I thought it was nice, gave him my new email address (that's why he contacted me), and found an attachment later with the email. More than 12 months ago, when we worked together in the same team in a Govt office, I often commented that, with all of his insightful and inspiring philosophical quotes and comments, he should write a book. Well - he has, and this was his attachment to the email he sent.

It is absolutely beautiful, a lot of thought, love and inspiration has gone into it, it has been published, and I think he is a star! Here is a link to a sample of it and I wish to share. I have also put the link on twitter. http://www.caro.com.au/way/presents.htm

I sat for more than an hour reading and absorbing his work; sometimes in tears, reflecting on my own experiences with my cancer and a relationship this year, and really believing strongly in synchronicity - the fact that he chose today to be in touch then send me his book. I now have my own ideas to assist him in promoting it further.

I hope my positivity will continue this weekend - I have a few little personal projects on the go to try & get done before my operation, so all is well with my world currently. I need to be grateful for the experience today, learn from it, gain strength from it, and continue with my journey.......thus my "almost open" lotus flower....

Sun out again..

How lucky I am to have such supportive friends! I went out today, dropped in on one who promptly invited me to dinner next week, went to the library & got myself more books (they're wonderful to lose oneself in!) bought a couple to keep, then my other friend came and brought dinner with her whilst we settled down to watch a movie.

I am thinking more rationally today, & realise that I do need to let go of some things, in order to concentrate on my own healing and journey as the time for my major operation looms. Spoke to my friend from interstate tonight as well, reminding me that I need to concentrate on my well being rather than wonder and stress about why some of my friends haven't been in touch - those who maybe don't know what to say to a cancer patient....or how to deal with it themselves. This is what I need to let go of.

I have much to be thankful for - focussing on that also helps, as does this blogging, and reading those who I follow - get lots of gems from them everyday.

Night cyberspace! Rest well......( what a strange thing to say...!!)

Bit Low today

Feeling quite sorry for myself today - have Duchess of Duke Street playing on the DVD, thinking about my past year....such a lot has happened. I have breast cancer, have had one unsuccessful operation, and now face a mastectomy and lymph node clearance.

Have lost of support, especially from Mandy, have taken indefinite time off work, worried about finances etc. and as to the man - well am giving up on him. No once have I heard a good wish for my condition or just a simple " how am I going", so I figure he's too high maintenance for me - especially at the moment. And s to the cruel vindictive visit by his partner - I could have done without that.

My son is seeing a beautiful new girl, with a baby - I haven't seen him so happy for ages. And he has a new job, so all is good. He will come & take me to the hospital. Might go look for books today........