Cold, hard lessons

Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to be swept up in a moment that we think is going to be to our benefit, therefore will last forever, or at least for some time? How do we learn to stay away from volatile situations that can only bring anguish, pain and huge amounts of regret?

Whilst I have learnt to not be responsible for other's actions - or, more appropriately RE-actions - it still weighs heavy, this feeling of once belonging, once adored even, and suddenly cut off and shoved aside like an encumbering shroud finally escaped from. Still, if nothing else I have my creative expression, results of which will be eventually recognised, taken up and bandied about like an almost vengeful quest.

I have to keep telling myself that my own battle with cancer is quite enough to keep me busy for a long while yet, and to let go of this once blissful millstone - perhaps things will change; even so, I know I have, and do not wish to be involved in anything that might detract from my own healing.

As to yesterday - my own family - I can't believe siblings can be so different from one another with values and priorities. Inappropriate conversation in front of our mother in an elderly citizens' facility - can't believe my sister sometimes. Nothing, but nothing is likely to serve as assistance for her to come to a realisation that her behaviour causes real damage - to all.

I have my beautiful son, who is very happy with a new and hopefully lasting relationship - may that be my piece of sunshine for today and as long as it might last.......

Synchronicity is alive & well in my world..

Today as I underwent more tests pre-operative at the hospital, I felt I was doing better emotionally. Got a few meanial things done as well, came home & had a nanna nap, then suddenly, I received a text message on my phone from a friend and former work colleague, from whom I hadn't heard from for some time.

I thought it was nice, gave him my new email address (that's why he contacted me), and found an attachment later with the email. More than 12 months ago, when we worked together in the same team in a Govt office, I often commented that, with all of his insightful and inspiring philosophical quotes and comments, he should write a book. Well - he has, and this was his attachment to the email he sent.

It is absolutely beautiful, a lot of thought, love and inspiration has gone into it, it has been published, and I think he is a star! Here is a link to a sample of it and I wish to share. I have also put the link on twitter. http://www.caro.com.au/way/presents.htm

I sat for more than an hour reading and absorbing his work; sometimes in tears, reflecting on my own experiences with my cancer and a relationship this year, and really believing strongly in synchronicity - the fact that he chose today to be in touch then send me his book. I now have my own ideas to assist him in promoting it further.

I hope my positivity will continue this weekend - I have a few little personal projects on the go to try & get done before my operation, so all is well with my world currently. I need to be grateful for the experience today, learn from it, gain strength from it, and continue with my journey.......thus my "almost open" lotus flower....

Sun out again..

How lucky I am to have such supportive friends! I went out today, dropped in on one who promptly invited me to dinner next week, went to the library & got myself more books (they're wonderful to lose oneself in!) bought a couple to keep, then my other friend came and brought dinner with her whilst we settled down to watch a movie.

I am thinking more rationally today, & realise that I do need to let go of some things, in order to concentrate on my own healing and journey as the time for my major operation looms. Spoke to my friend from interstate tonight as well, reminding me that I need to concentrate on my well being rather than wonder and stress about why some of my friends haven't been in touch - those who maybe don't know what to say to a cancer patient....or how to deal with it themselves. This is what I need to let go of.

I have much to be thankful for - focussing on that also helps, as does this blogging, and reading those who I follow - get lots of gems from them everyday.

Night cyberspace! Rest well......( what a strange thing to say...!!)

Bit Low today

Feeling quite sorry for myself today - have Duchess of Duke Street playing on the DVD, thinking about my past year....such a lot has happened. I have breast cancer, have had one unsuccessful operation, and now face a mastectomy and lymph node clearance.

Have lost of support, especially from Mandy, have taken indefinite time off work, worried about finances etc. and as to the man - well am giving up on him. No once have I heard a good wish for my condition or just a simple " how am I going", so I figure he's too high maintenance for me - especially at the moment. And s to the cruel vindictive visit by his partner - I could have done without that.

My son is seeing a beautiful new girl, with a baby - I haven't seen him so happy for ages. And he has a new job, so all is good. He will come & take me to the hospital. Might go look for books today........

In & out - back & forth

No excuse really - quite some time has passed - many experiences - luscious ones, disappointing ones, ridiculous ones...all about life, really. Now I have come through it all feeling a bit lost, very very very stupid, and nervous waiting for tomorrow's breast biopsy.

Survived the recording day yesterday - started out happy, till I watched a certain someone massaging another certain someone's back...what did I expect, after all? Now I need to seriously try & put him out of my mind, and get on with my baroque trio.

Not much else to say, really. I have wasted 6 months, but I lost weight - that has to be good at least...

Sadnesses and change

Long time since I posted - quite an emotional roller coaster on many levels. Family matters still keeping me awake at night, with a continuing distance looming between my youngest sibling & myself. I am trying to right things, knowing in this instance the results of all the various causes and effects have not been my doing. I don't like the feeling this estrangement brings on.

Also just past passed the day when my son would have been married. How difficult was that....still wondering what went wrong in their relationship - yet knowing I can do nothing at all to "fix" it. Then, just when I thought he had given in and given over all that he had to her, practically, I discover that she is still using one ticket overseas that was to be the honeymoon - not sure what I think of that. Maybe she really is experiencing such physical and emotional pain, this was her solace, as my taking my son away with me was (I trust) for him also.

My wonderful "other family" - my work colleagues still continue to support me and just....be there. I have never had this in other employment. A job that is varied, a pleasure, provides many rewards is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. The move to another state, cutting some ties and commitments, has indeed refreshed my soul and continues to provide me with pleasant surprises that could not have been envisaged in the western location...what a great move I made!

Through all of this, my dear mother continues to surprise us all - even in the face of losing dad. Luckily she is not aware at all of all the underlying spitefulness and hurt her children are causing each other - pray that she remains out of it. However the culmination in the rift between my sister & myself included, rather unprofessionally, the staff at he facility where Mum now calls home, and whilst I am not entirely sure of "all sides of the story", currently I remain very disappointed with the totally unexpected and unwarranted outcomes. I would normally pursue such goings on in my own way, questioning and attempting to discover why, but feel that at this time that this would prove futile - someone is lying - I may never know who.....

Wow!

Not altogether sure, but i think tonight I feel like a complete radio program just may have been for my benefit. Terribly terribly self indulgent, I know, but...heck...there it is! Reparation for my sins last Monday, for turning off said program too early, and I missed my favourite artist. Of course, he made a promise that he'd play it again. But tonight....tonight!

I feel there's been a clear story for the past hour at least - & it must have been pre - recorded, as I know he's away. Will just have to wait till Wednesday to find out if he picked all the songs....

I have been very good & not texed him at all - afraid he may not have gone away alone - who knows?

Got home from work tonight, and found myself practising my singing again - wonder of wonders! Mushy songs of course - Come in From the Rain and Teach Me Tonight....

Just hope I can sleep........

Small devastation

Woke this morning suddenly remembering some photos my friend had taken with my camera at our work's Christmas function, with the man featuring heavily, and....there is a ring on the left hand! He hasn't been wearing it lately, but this has put me back even a few more steps; sadly. But why am I not surprised?

I do not want to revert to my hermit living and "staying alone-whatever" attitude, however I think I might just need to be prepared for it again.....feeling quite sad today. I think if I truly put my mind towards achieving the music, achieving it well, making the extra effort, and trying desperately to be civil, steadfast and simply wait; this is the best option for now. There is a chemistry that cannot be ignored, but I have no right to push, and I need to stop now. My problem is that I go ahead in leaps & bounds at the tiniest suggestion of attraction, attention and desire, before I know what's really involved and who may be on the receiving end. ow many times has this happened to me? More than I can say, but here is someone who is musical, warped AND desirable! Hurry & get back, please, but do enjoy your holiday, & use it please to think carefully about what you're heading for - I have eternal patience, understanding, empathy and need..

Well, what a gorgeous surprise I have Valentine's Day morning - a text message from the man with whom I have been exchanging many messages, saying: "good morning - Happy Valentine's Day..."after we'd both been comiserating (in our boring middle age) that a little too much is made of it these days in terms of commercial value. Frankly, I can think of worse ways to be woken - quite delicious, in fact! And then the messages went on for most of the day...a few mysteries, a few confessions, a few insights; all the things I would expect from a "testing the waters" activity.

From him not seeming to be entirely convinced that no, I don't have a man hidden away....to me left to wonder....he hasn't answered a similar question I asked him...deja vous? I really hope not....

I have stopped short (I think!) of being a brazen hussy, but have been totally upfront about how I feel - might have caused him to back pedal a little, obviously because there is a woman factoring in there somewhere - not a hugely committed relationship...but something none the less.

Then when we met through the week, I was sensing a lack of confidence and maybe even a little embarrassment, but it was still a good night with all the others - they all laugh at me so, as I try to ease back into a different music style - more than a challenge for me, but I need to admit that it's actually fun! More flirting ensued at appropriate times when we were removed from the others...however he did say that he was "in a lot of trouble", so I figure there's something he needs to sort. And as I trolled through our many many messages wishing to show him something on my phone (the electronic card he said he couldn't see), I commented about the "rubbish" we exchanged, only to be told: ..."yeah, but it was fun!"

He'd actually come to visit me at my workplace earlier in the day, saying if I felt so off with my back that I needn't come, but I said that I needed to. Had a lift that night, as my back had been playing up - a lift with one of the others. The three of us finished the night sitting round his kitchen table with our respective milos and tea.....

Rest of the week at work was a bit difficult and at times I had to reflect just what I might be getting myself into. There will be a hiatus now though, as he has an access visit then having all of next week off, going to buy a plane of all things. I really need to try hard not to send any messages - of course if he sends one I will respond, but I don't know if he's gone away alone - tricky.

Still, through all of this, debriefing with my bestest friend, I will be letting him know in no uncertain terms that however he views a casual relationship, I am unable to be "the other woman". I have a feeling he realises this. He had a sore back day off work himself this past week, then admitted that he could have gone to work - just felt like a day off...very indicative for me!

Back to the family problems - it seems that despite the horrible long phone call with the sibling in question, she is still stirring the pot - my other sister & i just can't believe it. now Dad's POA has called a family meeting interstate, so off I go next weekend. I will be staying with him & his wife, to allay further comments about the reasons I don't always stay with whichever family member. Heaven only knows how it will turn out, but it will be good to have the professional there - and then all go out to lunch together so that potentially awkward moments might be less likely.

Ho hum - such was my week! Today I feel like......

Better, easier day...

What a glorious sleep in I had! I thought I'd just do everything slowly, not watch the clock and let the day take its course. First I messaged my sister to ask some recommendations for books to look for at the library - something escapist and different I thought. She did suggest some, which I found....the others are on hold coming from other libraries. Then I took a disc and printed out a number of the photos from my son and my trip overseas. Is great to see them on paper - wonderful memories.

How great it was to find another distant family member while we were away: I can't believe how far I've got with the research I've been doing. And today I watched a dvd of Young Victoria, imagining that this was the very time my forebears were around living their lives in an illuminating, ultra polite and totally different way that we do now.

I did some fruit & veg shopping, all the time trying to decide whether I would make the 2 hour train journey into the city to be with my friends for Chinese New Year tomorrow. Decided in the end, driven also by the fact that final arrangements for venue still hadn't been made by them by this late stage, that I couldn't be bothered.

Also reflecting that it's Valentine's Day tomorrow - what a fuss it's made of these days. And I wondered about being brave & forward & sending one to an acquaintance. Talked to my girlfriend I had dinner with last night about it...and ended up having quite a little flirting session with the man via text messaging! Suddenly I feel like a teenager again, and it seems that maybe he is interested as well - moreso than I thought he might be actually. So what will be, will be. I will send him a little one tomorrow...because he made me laugh today...

Survived the day.....

Work was wonderful today, though I was so tired after the draining conversation with my sister last night and into the morning, that I almost forgot to drive to our other offices for training this morning! Literally drove to mine first! Anyway, I got there, and much to my surprise wasn't the last training candidate to arrive.

The second part of the day back at my office was taken with general tasks for my colleagues and one conversation with the nursing sister at my mother's aged care facility. She let me know that today Mum was interacting with the other residents in such a positive way - attending a special Valentine's Day lunch with the others - room was decked out in pink and red balloons, hearts and plenty of food, to be followed by a concert. This makes me very happy - she is becoming involved a lot more that when Dad was still alive, which is great.

Went to the movies tonight and saw Up in the Air with George Clooney. Very good movie - thought provoking, the main character changes his tune following some different events. His character reminded me a little of myself - loving to hate the idea of being bottled up in a relationship. Then, when he finally has an epiphany on the brink of giving a motivational speech, he walks out, gets on a plane to see his love interest - only to find that she is married! I rest my case...but still open to offers.....maybe!

Had a gorgeous dinner after the movie with my friend, who puts up with my whinges, listens and makes me laugh. We always have a great time together. She's probably right thinking that I should allow myself to be open more to the idea of possible romance. She asked if a particular man with whom I am entering into a music project asked me out, what I'd do. Answer: I probably would go out with him...it's been so long, I reckon I've forgotten the basics! We'll see...not waiting for the phone to ring....

Debriefed a bit with my other sister, which helped me a lot. Another late night for me, but I shall sleep in luxuriously tomorrow.

I had a response from the sibling who is being difficult with regards to our parent's estate, and - probably predictably - she has told us that she wants no contact with either of us for a while to sort herself out. Of course I really hope that this means that our passionate, heated discussion the other night/morning has assisted, and she will go off & think about the behaviours which have put so many people at loggerheads with her. Went to sleep doing this blog....edited later........

Remind me how success is measured again..?

I am absolutely exhausted; mentally and physically, from that long conversation I just had with my sister. There was passion, anger, sarcasm, spite, hurt, vindictiveness and tears (on my part). My phone said 168 minutes 47 secs as the time recorded for the length of the call....record for me I think - even when I was going through my divorce!

I began talking about girly things like recipes, gluten free cooking, and comforting things like how much the cooler weather is now being enjoyed and appreciated by both of us. When I began relating to her the real reason for my call, of couse she became immediately suspicious, abrasive and defensive. I had researched for myself beforehand some helpful pointers for dealing with persons who have been dealing with so much stress and intimidation in their lives, that they display exactly these behaviours, when suddenly my sister said clear as day to me herself that " I do it to protect myself". Exactly so!

We moved on to her counselling sessions, why she felt they hadn't been at all helpful, and I then as gently as possible related the fact that people had been finding her very difficult to deal with. She has agreed to apologise and discover for herself "just what it is she is supposed to have done". This is a baby step - at least she is accepting responsibility - perhaps....

As to the legal question, and the fact the she chose to enquire about things without consulting her other two sisters, that part of the conversation was, I have to say, really a shouting match.....oh how the green stuff can change our personas, if we have differently prioritised views on its management, benefits and accompanying risks!
This was the worst part, which I knew would come, but we got through it. I don't believe all that was said was the truth but I need to let that go. She also actually agreed to apologise to our family executor, by aligning her experience of corporate accountants' and lawyers' firms to her need for knowing that due process was being followed in a timely way. I tried to point out that our executor was a little different, in being a person who found it truly hard to say no to the underprivileged and less fortunate of society who need his help, consequently things take longer. Also, the very process of dealing with deceased estates, solicitors, associated family takes time.

I hope that I have achieved something tonight - I feel for myself that I have. Whether she chooses to take my suggestions, love, concern and candour on board is another thing - I guess only time will tell.

And so to bed......at 2.09am......having tried to once again let go of it all..........finishing with one of my favourites from Alain de Botton's "How Proust can Change Your Life".....'recognize that our best chance of contentment lies in taking up the wisdom offered to us in coded form through our coughs, allergies, social gaffes, and emotional betrayals, and to avoid the ingratitude of those who blame the peas, the bores, the time, and the weather.'

OK, time to gird my loins......

After hearing from many people now that my sister is upsetting them, getting them immediately offside even with a first meeting, I feel it's time to have a sisterly talk with her, attempting to weed out the real reason and events behind her, as she continues hitting out at society in such a ballistic, devastating and destructive manner.

I love her dearly however I feel she needs to admit to something, release something, realise something, deal with something: one or all of which hopefully will serve to bring her happiness, patience and forward thinking with less emotive reaction.

Some relaxing images whilst I get through the next new hours - there may even be another post soon, as it is my new and best way of letting go and helping myself....tonight I need to help another - shall I succeed?

'tis raining - hoorah!

Wednesday February 10, 2010

A strange day today - we had been experiencing oppressive heat and humidity, when suddenly a violent thunderstorm erupted - complete with hail; which, after such hot conditions, made it surreal. There they were, my work colleagues in the other offices...all standing at the very large window absolutely transfixed by this novelty of rain and hail. It was a scene from a comedy movie- when I let myself in with my electronic passcard, their backs were to me....they all turned round as one little mass, looked at me & laughed! All I could think of to say was: "what? not my fault!" Hilarity in the working day...always a great thing. When I returned in my little chariot to my own office, my colleagues there were anxiously looking out of the window at me, as if I had been swallowed up by the storm! Such goings on with some weather change, rain and finally - coolness!

The last couple of days, I have experienced a huge sadness, with discovering a rather ugly side of a sibling. Oh the unfortunate consequences of over-the-top reactions to a parent's passing and the impending "how much do I get and when's it coming?" They say there is always one in every family, but how very sad and wearing. One thinks one knows all the little idiosyncracies of our family members, tiptoes round them, tries to make the best of potentially volatile situations - takes me back to some Christmases!

What is one to say; how is one to react, when we discover that legal boundaries have been crossed and strongly forged professional relationships tested to the max; all because of a family member who suddenly displays an ugly, greedy almost irrational side? While all the time we try to protect the surviving parent, who has no idea of the rumblings occuring amongst her children.

I try to put myself in her shoes - trying to ascertain what she's feeling and why she needs to know all of this formerly private information, being handled by a power of attorney, right now. Questioning his integrity, professionalism and the time he takes to formulate due processes. And I confess I can't begin to imagine why she would leave us out of her scheming and calculating when we have always talked together about everything and shared everything......who knows what will come next?

Perhaps a quote from Book Five of Mediations by Marcus Aurelius may suffice at this juncture:

"Judge every word and deed which are according to nature to be fit for thee; and be not diverted by the blame which follows from any people nor by their words, but if a thing is good to be done or said, do not consider it unworthy of thee. For those persons have their peculiar leading principle and follow their peculiar movement; which things do not thou regard, but go straight on, following thy own nature and the common nature; and the way of both is one. "

I will ponder this as I sleep tonight, perhaps to gain some comfort.

I just know that I am exceedingly grateful for my new little rural job, a circle of wonderful caring colleagues, occasional "kick up my heels" with friends in the city, and a bevvy of wonderful books to read - thank you Alain!

..and thus she arrives..

Tuesday 9 Feb, 2010

It's taken me years to get myself together to do this...bare my soul to the world at large! Experiencing an already full life; perhaps slowing down just a little for reflection, mostly, I realise that I have much to be grateful for. I saw a movie once, and a quote I vividly remember:'.......I will experience all in this life, whether good or bad, sad or euphorically happy'. I have indeed.

The last 4 years as I approach the middle of middle age (haha - I've just invented a new concept!) have been very happy, devastatingly sad, frustrated (and probably frustrating), challenged and illuminated (in the sense of experiencing epiphanies). However - I have survived it all, and continue to survive!

I moved states, away from professional commitment, seeking a new career, closer to my son, with a strong bent to declutter my life. That I achieved with my first apartment living experience. Wonderful! I had a tiny but very livable place, was able to walk to and from my job, keep up with my son, sneak into a cosmopolitan lifestyle....still I wasn't missing the previous professional commitments!

Then a parent became very ill very quickly. Suddenly the family was thrust into the terror of ICU, tubes and life support machines, family members reacting in oh-so-different ways: all of us trying to cope. Once the prognosis was given, it was then time to understand - again, we all did that in our own ways. I remember experiencing immense sadness, inadequacy, anger and selfishness. From then on, all my siblings and I engaged in very regular long telephone conversations - we needed to support each other.

Once my parent's health evened out a little, he was "put into care" with our other parent, in the same place, thankfully. Big changes happened then with expectations of the facility, of how we as children expected our parents to 'fit in', and experiencing difficulty with what we termed as the simplest of undertakings.

I also heard that year, by default, that my last lover had died of cancer; 2 or 3 years after the event. Stumbling across the news on the ether was almost more than I could bear. We hadn't remained close or kept in touch, but it still hurt to find out that way. Now, not because of that experience, but more likely to do with long past experiences, family life when I was young, and friends' musings, I choose to remain single. People think I am wasting life away, without having 'that special someone' (oh how I tire of hearing this label!)but I have truly found a pleasant completeness in my solitude....well, not quite...there is a feline person to whom I am absolutely devoted, her picture will appear on this post.

I will save more till the next post - I feel certain that this soul pouring will assist me in dealing with lots of things; both within and without myself. I am clearing...I am loved....I live my life positively.