..and thus she arrives..

Tuesday 9 Feb, 2010

It's taken me years to get myself together to do this...bare my soul to the world at large! Experiencing an already full life; perhaps slowing down just a little for reflection, mostly, I realise that I have much to be grateful for. I saw a movie once, and a quote I vividly remember:'.......I will experience all in this life, whether good or bad, sad or euphorically happy'. I have indeed.

The last 4 years as I approach the middle of middle age (haha - I've just invented a new concept!) have been very happy, devastatingly sad, frustrated (and probably frustrating), challenged and illuminated (in the sense of experiencing epiphanies). However - I have survived it all, and continue to survive!

I moved states, away from professional commitment, seeking a new career, closer to my son, with a strong bent to declutter my life. That I achieved with my first apartment living experience. Wonderful! I had a tiny but very livable place, was able to walk to and from my job, keep up with my son, sneak into a cosmopolitan lifestyle....still I wasn't missing the previous professional commitments!

Then a parent became very ill very quickly. Suddenly the family was thrust into the terror of ICU, tubes and life support machines, family members reacting in oh-so-different ways: all of us trying to cope. Once the prognosis was given, it was then time to understand - again, we all did that in our own ways. I remember experiencing immense sadness, inadequacy, anger and selfishness. From then on, all my siblings and I engaged in very regular long telephone conversations - we needed to support each other.

Once my parent's health evened out a little, he was "put into care" with our other parent, in the same place, thankfully. Big changes happened then with expectations of the facility, of how we as children expected our parents to 'fit in', and experiencing difficulty with what we termed as the simplest of undertakings.

I also heard that year, by default, that my last lover had died of cancer; 2 or 3 years after the event. Stumbling across the news on the ether was almost more than I could bear. We hadn't remained close or kept in touch, but it still hurt to find out that way. Now, not because of that experience, but more likely to do with long past experiences, family life when I was young, and friends' musings, I choose to remain single. People think I am wasting life away, without having 'that special someone' (oh how I tire of hearing this label!)but I have truly found a pleasant completeness in my solitude....well, not quite...there is a feline person to whom I am absolutely devoted, her picture will appear on this post.

I will save more till the next post - I feel certain that this soul pouring will assist me in dealing with lots of things; both within and without myself. I am clearing...I am loved....I live my life positively.